♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Checkmate. Checkmate?
I thought we were playing Yahtzee.
OK, that's a do-over. No, that is not a do-over. You do this every time.
Last time you thought it was checkers,
before that it was Battleship,
and twice you yelled out "snake eyes!"
No, that was for you. It was a mascara note.
Anyway, I can get out of this. The game's not over till the fat lady sings.
♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪
Hi, girls.
You're in a good mood, Rose.
Is someone expecting her "special visitor" tonight?
Oh, don't be silly, Blanche.
I haven't had my "special visitor" in years.
Neither have I. It's amazing, when you live with women, you get on the same cycle.
I am talking about your date, Rose.
Who is this secret man you're seeing?
Oh, it's not a secret. His name's Ray. He's a friend of Miles'.
You are dating a friend of Miles'? You scallywag!
You skunkweed!
What's that mean?
I don't know. What does yours mean?
Girls, Ray and I aren't dating.
Miles is in Europe with some students,
and I needed an escort for the Children's Hospital fund-raiser.
Miles suggested I take Ray. As a friend, that's all.
You're missing a prime opportunity.
Dating a boyfriend's friend is exciting.
Take it from me. I wrote the book on dating.
Really? What's it called?
It doesn't have a title, you twit.
Hi... Oh, sorry. Well, good night.
Oh, you going to bed already?
What's terrible about going right to bed?
Hey, Blanche, that's a great title for your book!
Rose told us about this secret date.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Rose has something called a "date," Dorothy. How can I explain this?
Remember when you went to a restaurant and a man pulled out your chair?
Well, if that had been a date, he would have warned you first.
I thought you were going out with Stan.
I am. I am. See you later.
Oh, Blanche, favor?
Oh, Dorothy, come on. This has been going on for months now.
"I have a date with Stan. Can I borrow your bike?"
He can't pick me up or my mother'll hear the car. You think I'm proud of this?
Go on, honey, take the bike. Thank you.
Dorothy? I'm just going around the block.
Dorothy! Oh, God.
I hate what this does to my hair.
What's the matter, honey? Did you have a bad time with Ray?
It wasn't Ray. His ex-wife, Myra,
ran into the Chowderhead's, where we were eating, and started yelling at me.
Then she grabbed a lobster out of the tank and forced me out of the booth.
How is the lobster at Chowderhead's?
Scary. So I don't know what to do.
I tried to convince Myra that he's just a friend, but she wouldn't listen.
She won't accept the divorce. I feel threatened.
Oh, please, that's no threat. Where I come from,
when someone wanted to make a point, they'd tie a string around your finger.
Well, come to think of it, it wasn't a string, it was a piano wire.
Actually, it wasn't your finger, it was your neck.
Anyway, it was very popular. In fact, piano wire
was our village's second biggest export.
You know what our biggest export was? (both) No.
Too bad. I don't remember either.
My God, I've left brain cells all over the Eastern Seaboard.
Psst. Psst. Where's Ma?
Who? Ma. Where's Ma?
In the cemetery in St. Olaf.
Why do you want to know?
Because I thought we'd all go out and toilet paper the Westons' house.
My Ma!
Don't worry, she's gone to bed already.
Well, did you have a good time tonight?
Oh, it was wonderful.
Oh, girls, I cannot tell you
how nice it is to be with Stan lately.
He's fun and attentive and sweet.
Oh, even in the bedroom, he's just...
Well, he's really brought new meaning to the word "solicitous."
(Rose giggles)
What was the old meaning again?
Dorothy, do you love him?
Well, what does that mean, Blanche?
He was my husband, he was the father of my children.
Of course I have feelings for him.
Uh-huh. Well, what are they?
Love.
I guess I love him. Oh, I can't believe it.
Of course I don't love the fact that he still keeps his toupee in the lettuce crisper.
But it does look fresher, and you deal with it.
Dorothy, if you do love him, tell your mother.
She's gonna find out. Don't you think it's better coming from you?
Oh, I guess so. That's settled. Now let's get a move on.
Where you going? To get the toilet paper for the Westons' house.
But remember, we have to be really quiet.
Dreyfuss will bark at anything, and Barbara carries a gun.
Oh, what the hell.
I understand, dear, but we're not dating.
Is that the woman who threatened you with the lobster?
Why are you talking to her?
She keeps calling. What should I do?
I'll get you off that phone.
Rose, I've fallen and can't get up. Help me!
I can't help you right now. I'm on the phone.
Myra... Myra, please.
Who's on the phone? It's that woman from the restaurant.
Give me the phone.
So, uh, you're Myra.
Who am I? Some call me Sophia.
Others know me as "The Terminator."
Of course, these people have corneas that look like cotton balls.
Maybe I better talk.
Is that right? Well, listen, Myra, I'm not afraid of you.
I'm from Sicily. You know what the number one export of our village is?
Ransom notes.
I had a flashback in the can.
She hung up.
She's not so tough without her lobster.
She must really be nuts about that ex-husband.
You'd have to be crazy to want a relationship that badly.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Relationships, Dorothy. Human relationships.
Remember when that guy asked you to sleep over? Yes.
If that had been a relationship, you would've been called a girlfriend
instead of a dogsitter.
Ma. I'm not proud of this, but there's something I have to show you.
Oh, please. I've done a lot worse.
I've done panties over pants,
bras over blouses.
One Easter I wore a shower cap over my bonnet.
No, Ma. I'm going out tonight.. With Stan.
No. Yes, Ma, I really am.
I believe you. I said no.
Ma, I've been seeing him secretly for months now, and we're getting close.
I see. So, what can I say?
Will you do me one favor on your way out?
Will you back over me with the car?
I knew you'd take it well.
Ma, I am going to continue seeing Stan,
and there's nothing you can do to make me feel guilty about it.
Where are you going?
Chest pains.
Ma, it's not going to work! I don't feel guilty!
Dorothy! Nobody help her.
We all know she's fine. We all know what she's doing.
God, I hate that woman. Ma!
I have some news. I told my mother about us.
You're kidding? How did she take it? Pretty well.
Chest pains?
You remember.
Hey, you don't forget your wedding day.
Eat your potato.
What? Oh, honey, no. I know it's a very important vegetable to you,
but I'm really stuffed.
Then stick your finger in it.
Stan, you pig.
Come on. I don't ask much. Oh, all right.
But we're gonna get you a hobby.
Something hard in here.
It's a... it's a scalding hot ring!
Oh, Stan. It's beautiful!
And it's for you, Dorothy. And it's for keeps.
I am through with the single life. The ski bunnies, the bar scene.
The puka shells. Oh, Stanley, please say the puka shells.
Well, you're not leaving me a whole lot of personality room, are you?
All right, the puka shells.
So, what I'm saying is...
will you marry me, Dorothy?
You know, again?
Dorothy, these last few months have been incredible.
After all the struggling, we're finally into the good stuff.
Let's share it.
I don't know what to say.
Don't you see? We belong together.
We're... an artful complement of individual tastes,
enhanced instead of concealed by each other.
And served in our natural juices.
You got that from the menu.
It was the special.
Cajun prime rib. But I think it applies.
Yes. Yes?
Yes, yes, yes. Stanley, I will marry you. You know, again.
You've made me so happy. I feel so lucky. I'm the lucky one.
Dorothy Zbornak is going to be my wife.
I want to shout it from the rooftops. I just want to tell the whole world!
Me too!
But not my mother. But not your mother.
What you doing, Rose?
Myra's been calling me at work and threatening me,
so I'm fixing a flashlight to walk out to my car at night.
In case she's planning on surprising me. Good.
Women should always check their cars at night before they get in 'em.
Blanche, that's a wonderful idea.
I was just gonna shine it under my chin to make myself look scarier.
I am really afraid. I'm gonna call the police.
Well, that's a good idea, honey. Better safe than sorry.
Girls, girls, guess what happened tonight. Give us a hint.
The best thing that could happen to a woman.
The circus! The circus is in town!
No, no, Rose. No. It's about Stan.
Well, I was close.
Stan asked me to marry him.
And?
And I accepted.
Oh! Oh! I don't know what to say.
Well, I sure as hell do. Group hug!
Oh, honey! Oh, Dorothy! The ring! The ring! The ring!
Oh, Dorothy, it's beautiful!
Oh, are those baguettes?
No. They're little pieces of potato.
He hid the ring in the potato.
Ah!
Honey, if this is what you want, we couldn't be happier.
Oh, it certainly is.
Oh, well, this is great. And you know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna have a big shower,
and a beautiful wedding out on the lanai. It'll be wonderful.
From here on in, I guess I'm going to have to get used to calling you Dorothy Zbornak.
Rose, you've always called me Dorothy Zbornak.
I know, but I never really meant it.
So! Another tenants' meeting I wasn't told about.
What's the topic this time? How to lose the old lady?
No, Ma, we're past the old business.
We're into new business.
Ma...
Ma, Stan gave me an engagement ring.
I see. Excuse me.
Ma, that's a microwave!
I know. I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.
Oh, Ma, I thought you'd be happy for me.
I mean, Stan has changed. He's made a commitment. He's matured.
Sophia, he put the ring in a potato.
You're not helping, Rose.
What happened to the commitment he made the last time?
This one's different. No, it's not. He'll hurt you again.
A promise means nothing to this man.
You'll give the ring back. That's my final word.
No, excuse me, you'll pawn the ring. That's my final word.
"To keep Stan warm on those cold winter nights: a head cozy."
Lois, this is just too much. Where'd you find such a ridiculous thing?
I make them myself.
And it's the perfect color for Stan.
You crossed your legs. You lose another sticker.
Oh, Rose.
Rose, these games of yours are absolutely ridiculous.
I can't think of anyone with enough control to keep her legs apart all the time.
More chips?
I just got off the phone. That stripper you called is on his way over.
Great, I'll start another game in the meantime.
Everybody, pay attention. New game.
(all) Ugh!
Oh, this is a St. Olaf favorite. Everybody puts on a blindfold
and then they choose a partner.
And then they think of a number and the other person thinks of an object.
And then the bride tags someone and they call out their number
and then they switch with her, and so on and so on and so on.
However many switches there are,
that's the number of children the bride will have.
And the numbers have to add up and you can collect the objects.
OK, everybody, put on your blindfold.
Everybody wearing 'em? (all) Yes!
OK, spatula, 11!
Sorry to interrupt. I got a call from a Mrs. Rose Nylund.
The woman inside said you'd be here.
My God. You are just perfect!
Now look, that is her right there.
She doesn't suspect a thing. You got your handcuffs?
Well, yes. OK, great.
Now look, when I give you one of these... Hiya!
...you go into your dance. You got it?
Listen, I think there's been a mistake...
Oh, my goodness, just look who's here!
Why, we must have the music up too loud. I'll turn it down.
(♪ Stripper)
There's your criminal.
Prosecute her to the utmost of the law!
Hello!
Blanche!
Oh, can you believe this? The stripper's here
and we're missing it, all because of these stupid blindfolds!
OK, Furillo, drop your pants.
It's time for a little search and seizure.
Touch me again and you'll go to prison, lady!
Honk, honk!
Blanche! Blanche, we have company.
This means you're a real cop?
Yes, ma'am.
The name is Devereaux. Blanche Devereaux.
Whoo!
Sophia, honey, you really ought to go out on the lanai. You're missing quite a shower.
I'm not missing anything. Where I'm from the marriages are arranged by the parents.
Is that what's bothering you, Sophia? Nobody asked your permission?
It's the Italian tradition.
What do you think Fiddler on the Roof was about?
That's a Jewish musical.
What do you mean Jewish?
I remember there was Enzo Stuarti, Dom DeLuise...
Boy, I've got to stop seeing these things at dinner theaters.
How's it going out there?
The stripper used to be a cop,
and the cop always wanted to be a dancer.
Now they're wearing each other's hats and it's really getting weird.
Ma still won't join us? She's still upset.
Oh, I cannot believe that she's this stubborn.
Maybe you ought to take a different approach with her.
You know, a more traditional one.
Like? Ah, I don't know. Like, um...
Set up a meeting and have Stan ask for your hand.
In an Italian sort of way.
Well, what do you want me to do? Go in, bow my head and kiss her ring?
Hey, you know something? That just might work.
I mean, she thinks of herself as the Godfather.
I'll just make her an offer that she can't remember.
Sophia, thank you for coming.
I want you to know how grateful we are
that you are seeing us at this time.
Did I sit down? Have I sat down yet?
I'm sorry.
No, I mean, am I this short?
My God, you two are like redwoods.
So, as is tradition,
I am ready to accept your various gifts and offerings.
You may begin, Dorothy.
I appreciate your sense of ritual, Ma, but just so you know,
I still have Shady Pines on the speed-dial.
Moving on. What do you want, Stan?
Stan wants to talk to you about the wedding.
Are you Stan? Am I talking to you?
I'm Stan, Sophia. Over here.
Oh, sorry. I thought it was like one of those "am I sitting" questions.
Anyway, Sophia, it occurred to me
that I never actually asked your permission to marry your daughter,
and well, I guess in asking her hand, I'm also asking your hand.
So, what do you say? Will you be my mother-in-law?
Marrying us both, eh?
So, uh, I suppose one could say six years ago you left us both.
Of course, that was after you spent the entire marriage cheating on us both.
The only difference is, you haven't been forgiven by us both.
So the answer is no.
I don't trust you, Stan.
And where there is no trust, there is no family.
You marry this man and we're no longer family.
You do this,
you are out of my life forever.